oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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