she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
