dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.