My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
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I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
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He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?