He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i barfeds in our rink
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
