And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
