If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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