dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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