I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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