im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
birth control should be required to get into college
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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