I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
