Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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