I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
