Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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