my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
