you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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