oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
