Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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