The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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