It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
