I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
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It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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