pop tarts are not kleenex
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
