Will you blow on my dice?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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