I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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