My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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