Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
