Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
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It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.