How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text