Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
that's an acceptable place to lick
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
50% drunk capacity currently
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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