If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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