And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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