I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
