Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
