sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
