I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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