If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
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I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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