I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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