also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
