dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
please come you make the beer taste better
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
