The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
