but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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