I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
