he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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