Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
