1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My vagina just recognized that song.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
