He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
