dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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