in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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