Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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