well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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