I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
