I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
