Your face is a jimmy john
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
